The Redneck I.Q. Test

The Search for Redneck Roots…
Intro: Are you stupid or just super incredibly stupid? Let my Quiz make the final judgment…

1) If you are shooting a BB gun, and the trigger appears to be jammed you should…

• a) Put gun on safety, take a skinny blunt object and ram into barrel several times
  b) Go out and buy another one
  c) Grip the handle tightly and turn barrel towards the direction of your eye, squeeze trigger, and watch to see if BB emerges
  d) Point barrel towards a friends eye, pull trigger, ask them to watch to see if BB emerges

2) You are standing in the shower with soaking hair and no towel, should you…?

• a) Heat the water up until you are good and hot, step carefully out, and stand there waiting for yourself to dry
  b) Jump out and run around as fast as you can until you are dry
  c) Grab the nearest blow-dryer; plug into your extension cord you run besides the tub and proceed to dry and warm yourself
  d) Turn off the water first before grabbing the nearest blow-dryer…

3) You have just purchased a new entertainment center for your TV; what is the first thing that you should do?

• a) Look to see if you have all the necessary tools
  b) Open the box and look over the instruction manual
  c) Set entertainment center box near the TV, then place TV on the box
  d) Start matching up parts and putting it together as you see fit

4) If you are in the process of a job interview and the interviewer sneezes, should you…?

• a) Stop momentarily to see if they have another one in them, and say “Excuse you”
  b) Reply with, “Bless you”
  c) Ask, “You gonna eat that?”
  d) Blurt, “I already had my shower for the week”

5) If your car breaks down in the middle of a highway, should you…?

• a) Push car off to side, prop hood open and pretend you’re fixing stuff
  b) Sit inside vehicle and look busy, until someone stops to help
  c) Jump out of the car door, flailing your arms for someone to help
  d) Check for traffic first before jumping out…

6) A tornado is said to be on its way toward your (trailer) home; the first thing you should do is…

• a) Open front door and stand in the entranceway; as that is one of the strongest points of a home
  b) Grab a box of Twinkies and leap into the first available bath tub
  c) Grab the video camera and get up on your roof for better viewing
  d) Get in your vehicle and start looking for it

7) You are shooting off fireworks in a brittle, bone dry forest…

• a) Holler, “fire in the hole” each time you strike the match
  b) Keep a fire extinguisher nearby
  c) Shoot them off in your hand to minimize contact with your surroundings
  d) Keep your car running for a quick getaway

8) Your mate has just broken up with you…

• a) Breakdown, fall apart, and gain 10 pounds
  b) Go out and buy lots of useless, expensive crap
  c) Spend more time singing Willie Nelson tunes
  d) Log onto Yahoo! Personals and get yourself a new mate

9) Is it better to…?

• a) Eat chocolate covered ants
  b) Make fart noises with your underarm pits
  c) Cook your pet for dinner
  d) Bathe no more than once a week

10) You are dining in an elegant restaurant and you are missing your desert spoon…

• a) Decline desert, and have some later
  b) Replace the missing utensil with your coffee spoon; nobody will know
  c) Use your finger that’s been least in your nose that day
  d) Ask the McDonald’s cashier to bring out more spoons

Score System:
a) = 3 points
b) = 4 points
c) = 1 points
d) = 2 point

Score of:

35-40 points: You probably took this test simply out of the goodness of your heart; to see how you could best volunteer your efforts and help the brain impaired rednecks in your area. Don’t bother; they were lovingly put onto this earth by our creator as the bear bait during weekend Cub Scout Jamboree’s. Remember; we all have our purpose in life; some of us are more teachers, while others are more like appetizers.

29-34 points: Your redneck roots are still there, but go a long way back. You definitely would rather date a human being than a goat, and your idea of good healthy cuisine goes far beyond road-kill skunk and grits. You have both eyes and all of your fingers and toes, but best of all you have a darn good chance of keeping them throughout the rest of your life.

22-28 points: You probably have a few cousins that live in a trailer park and burp the Pledge of Allegiance, have potato gun wars, and keep a set of matches by the toilet for fart exploding purposes. You yourself do not partake in any of these actions, but have tried lighting a fart or two but failed because you never realized that you need to have someone else hold the match.

16-21 points: You understand all, ‘you might be a redneck if’ jokes; and find a few of them quite close to home. Your idea of cleaning is not vacuuming and dusting, but scraping stuff off of the walls and hosing down the carpets. If you had the choice of either watching fishing or NASCAR on a television set, you would choose to buy another television and watch both.

10-15 points: You are 100% crap for brains redneck… You have been divorced from each of your cousins at least once, and have had a romantic encounter with either a pumpkin or squash while you were drunk. You haven’t the slightest idea how to keep the brown stains out of your underwear, but at the same time you’re kind of proud of them.