20 Reasons Why Men Shouldn’t get a Brazilian Bikini Wax

Brazilian Bikini Wax For Men

1. Why pay when you can get one for free with a colonoscopy/vasectomy combo
2. There are two kinds of people that would touch you there; and I wouldn’t want anything to do with either of them
3. You would go much too fast during nude slip n’ slide runs
4. You know what they say about kicking where the sun doesn’t shine; well they also say that about shaving!
5. Can you say, ‘sandpaper abrasion between the cheeks!’
6. Worst way that you could waste about three hours
7. Once you start; you can’t stop!
8. Leaves even less to the imagination when in a Speedo
9. Ever had an ingrown hair in your crack?
10. Where are all those cling-on’s going to go?
11. Ever cry over a deep splinter in your finger? Yah, I rest my case…
12. You’ll be spending too much time touching your own @$$
13. If you’re going bald; it’s nice to have a thick patch of hair to comb somewhere
14. There will be no more calling it your ‘warm fuzzy’…
15. Used wax strips might be sold to Barbie corporation as middle-age Ken doll toupee’s
16. How are you going to prove you’re over 21 when your found drunk and depanced during a police raid?
17. And you thought Yoga looked embarrassing… Imagine it nude, with an audience
18. Borrowing peoples eyebrow tweezers for a few touch-ups here and there
19. If you need to do that to look bigger… you better just Give Up Man!
20. IT HURTS… damn it!

The Redneck I.Q. Test

The Search for Redneck Roots…
Intro: Are you stupid or just super incredibly stupid? Let my Quiz make the final judgment…

1) If you are shooting a BB gun, and the trigger appears to be jammed you should…

• a) Put gun on safety, take a skinny blunt object and ram into barrel several times
  b) Go out and buy another one
  c) Grip the handle tightly and turn barrel towards the direction of your eye, squeeze trigger, and watch to see if BB emerges
  d) Point barrel towards a friends eye, pull trigger, ask them to watch to see if BB emerges

2) You are standing in the shower with soaking hair and no towel, should you…?

• a) Heat the water up until you are good and hot, step carefully out, and stand there waiting for yourself to dry
  b) Jump out and run around as fast as you can until you are dry
  c) Grab the nearest blow-dryer; plug into your extension cord you run besides the tub and proceed to dry and warm yourself
  d) Turn off the water first before grabbing the nearest blow-dryer…

3) You have just purchased a new entertainment center for your TV; what is the first thing that you should do?

• a) Look to see if you have all the necessary tools
  b) Open the box and look over the instruction manual
  c) Set entertainment center box near the TV, then place TV on the box
  d) Start matching up parts and putting it together as you see fit

4) If you are in the process of a job interview and the interviewer sneezes, should you…?

• a) Stop momentarily to see if they have another one in them, and say “Excuse you”
  b) Reply with, “Bless you”
  c) Ask, “You gonna eat that?”
  d) Blurt, “I already had my shower for the week”

5) If your car breaks down in the middle of a highway, should you…?

• a) Push car off to side, prop hood open and pretend you’re fixing stuff
  b) Sit inside vehicle and look busy, until someone stops to help
  c) Jump out of the car door, flailing your arms for someone to help
  d) Check for traffic first before jumping out…

6) A tornado is said to be on its way toward your (trailer) home; the first thing you should do is…

• a) Open front door and stand in the entranceway; as that is one of the strongest points of a home
  b) Grab a box of Twinkies and leap into the first available bath tub
  c) Grab the video camera and get up on your roof for better viewing
  d) Get in your vehicle and start looking for it

7) You are shooting off fireworks in a brittle, bone dry forest…

• a) Holler, “fire in the hole” each time you strike the match
  b) Keep a fire extinguisher nearby
  c) Shoot them off in your hand to minimize contact with your surroundings
  d) Keep your car running for a quick getaway

8) Your mate has just broken up with you…

• a) Breakdown, fall apart, and gain 10 pounds
  b) Go out and buy lots of useless, expensive crap
  c) Spend more time singing Willie Nelson tunes
  d) Log onto Yahoo! Personals and get yourself a new mate

9) Is it better to…?

• a) Eat chocolate covered ants
  b) Make fart noises with your underarm pits
  c) Cook your pet for dinner
  d) Bathe no more than once a week

10) You are dining in an elegant restaurant and you are missing your desert spoon…

• a) Decline desert, and have some later
  b) Replace the missing utensil with your coffee spoon; nobody will know
  c) Use your finger that’s been least in your nose that day
  d) Ask the McDonald’s cashier to bring out more spoons

Score System:
a) = 3 points
b) = 4 points
c) = 1 points
d) = 2 point

Score of:

35-40 points: You probably took this test simply out of the goodness of your heart; to see how you could best volunteer your efforts and help the brain impaired rednecks in your area. Don’t bother; they were lovingly put onto this earth by our creator as the bear bait during weekend Cub Scout Jamboree’s. Remember; we all have our purpose in life; some of us are more teachers, while others are more like appetizers.

29-34 points: Your redneck roots are still there, but go a long way back. You definitely would rather date a human being than a goat, and your idea of good healthy cuisine goes far beyond road-kill skunk and grits. You have both eyes and all of your fingers and toes, but best of all you have a darn good chance of keeping them throughout the rest of your life.

22-28 points: You probably have a few cousins that live in a trailer park and burp the Pledge of Allegiance, have potato gun wars, and keep a set of matches by the toilet for fart exploding purposes. You yourself do not partake in any of these actions, but have tried lighting a fart or two but failed because you never realized that you need to have someone else hold the match.

16-21 points: You understand all, ‘you might be a redneck if’ jokes; and find a few of them quite close to home. Your idea of cleaning is not vacuuming and dusting, but scraping stuff off of the walls and hosing down the carpets. If you had the choice of either watching fishing or NASCAR on a television set, you would choose to buy another television and watch both.

10-15 points: You are 100% crap for brains redneck… You have been divorced from each of your cousins at least once, and have had a romantic encounter with either a pumpkin or squash while you were drunk. You haven’t the slightest idea how to keep the brown stains out of your underwear, but at the same time you’re kind of proud of them.

What is your politician I.Q.???

Politically Correct; Incorrectness

Intro: It doesn’t matter if you are a Democrat or a Republic; if you’re stupid, you’re stupid, and you should probably not be allowed to procreate, much less vote. Let this Quiz make the final judgment…


1) If a president is involved in several sexual affairs…

a) A firm yet emotionally tender slap on the wrists; then let them continue on with the Presidency
b) I might begin to wonder about their character and values and how these could affect their ability to make good decisions
c) They are by all accounts still a highly qualified person that I would undoubtedly trust with my countries affairs
d) If the persons allegedly involved were hot, then that President would still be alright in my book


2) If a man is found dead outside of the Whitehouse property…

a) Let the News run with it; they ought to be able to stir up a few truths with the untruths
b) Realize there might be some pretty screwed up things going down and open a full investigation of the situation
c) Sweep it, or I should rather say him; under the carpet and continue on with more important affairs
d) Blame it on one of the Kennedy’s, put their ass behind bars, continue with business as usual


3) If you read into everything the President and Congress say as word for word the God’s honest truth you are…

a) A very rare and optimistic soul that still believes in the values this country was founded on
b) One stupid, naïve SOB that probably also still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
c) The only one who probably knows what is going on around here for real
d) A politician who has lost all realization of what the truth actually is anymore


4) If you have smoked marijuana in public within your lifetime and you desire to run for office…

a) Man, this is 2006; hand it out at your next pep rally
b) Come clean and admit just enough truth to still get the sympathetic vote
c) Question the existence of inhaling; if nobody could actually see the smoke in your lungs, was it actually ever there
d) Deny all accountability; saying you got it from a Kennedy and they were the one who actually inhaled


5) On your way through a crowd during an election year it is best to kiss…

a) Your rear-end goodbye; unless your wearing a bullet proof vest
b) Lots of baby’s and old people
c) Every beautiful person that will make you look good in a picture
d) Butt… and plenty of it


6) A major catastrophe is destroying thousands of homes and you are in the first year of your last term of Presidency

a) Make an appearance and do the best you can to look good with the least amount of effort
b) Admit you could have been better prepared; but your head has been in your butt for the past four years
c) Screw em’, the popular vote makes no difference now
d) Blame it all on a Kennedy


7) You are the aid to a government official and they have requested your personal company for the evening…

a) Keep your car running for a quick getaway
b) Look for any signs of cigars before stepping through the door
c) BYOC (Bring Your Own Condoms)
d) If it involves dragging a dead guy somewhere… count you in


8) You are invited on a Whitehouse hunting trip…

a) If you have donated less than $5,000 to the campaign overall; do not hide in the bush
b) Let the lawyers walk in front at all times
c) Stick closest to the guys with the biggest guns
d) Bring your will; getting shot just goes with the turf


9) As an elected official is it better to openly…

a) Raise your arms even if you aren’t wearing deodorant
b) Raise taxes
c) Raise hell
d) Give yourself a (pay) raise


10) You are behind on the polls with only three months until election…

a) Become a regular on Saturday Night Live
b) Take the stage on MTV and kick it with Puff Daddy
c) Sleep with a sexy movie star to boost your popularity
d) Sweep any previously sexually harassed individuals from your past firmly under the carpet



Score System:
a) = 3 points
b) = 4 points
c) = 1 points
d) = 2 point



Score of:

35-40 points: Get down… get down! Whew, that was close. If the government ever gets wind of you, you would disappear quicker than a Tootsie Roll squished into the carpet of a Jenny Craig Reunion; so it would be in your best interest to keep this quiz between just you and me. Just wait for my signal, and when the time comes we shall form a new branch of office under the leadership of Clint Eastwood and Dr. Ruth.

29-34 points: You are actually not so stupid; which means that you might actually make one heck of a great elected official; but you have one gigantic downfall. You tell the truth. It is however sad to say that it is for the best that you would never get anywhere, as you would most likely end up some dead schlep being dragged away by a sexually harassed, disgruntled office aid.

22-28 points: You hold the middle road between honest integrity, and low down cheap parlor tricks. Your career would albeit span a shorter course than most, as you are still honest enough to have pot shots taken at you on a regular basis. On the plus side, you do however have enough distrust in your fellow man to ride the local parades with your convertible top up, and Dick Cheney riding shotgun (pun intended).

16-21 points: You understand the true meaning of being a politician. I would definitely not trust you with any member of the opposite sex over the age of 3. You have had your share of dragging dead guys around over your lifetime, but fortunately to your relief, they just seem to be getting lighter and lighter.

10-15 points: You are primarily in this for the sex. You are probably a failed actor or wrestling star, and are running out of cheap ways to feel up members of the opposite sex. If ever there was to be a dead schlep dragged out of the office and propped up just outside the Whitehouse properties; you should be the one.

Type B personalities vs. The Type A's

Have you ever wanted to take a Louisville Slugger to one of those self-checkouts at the grocery store? If you answered yes, then you are certainly not alone. What is the purpose for these contraptions? Is it a ploy to save money on cashier wages? Is it to teach us the fine art of item scanning? Maybe it is simply just a way to speed up the whole checkout process...

The problem with its whole idea is that there is nobody who really knows how to work these things, including the stores clerks themselves. And even if you did figure out the basics, no matter how carefully you place every item in the bag, the computer can never read the weight properly and freezes up with every item or two. Then you have to wait five minutes for a confused clerk to clear the situation and get you scanning and bagging again. This whole scenario repeats itself over and over and over, until you either pass out from hypertension or actually get that last item okayed and in the bag.

Okay, I am now going to let you all in on a little known secret.

The self-checkout is actually designed purely for the Type A personality. If you are a Type B, then do not even bother with these. They are not designed for you, and they will most certainly not save time. Let me explain the logic behind this nifty yet often misunderstood check system.

You know those type A’s that tailgate and practically run you down on the highway, until they get just a few inches of room to cut you off; only to end up stuck in front of you in the traffic jam instead of behind you. Well these are just the individuals that the self-check out was designed for. As long as you keep these people busy with things and believing that they are in charge of everything, they can be a tolerable part of our society.

In other words it is basically a tolerability check system designed to keep these aggressive, rude, busybodies bitching at a machine rather than the rest of us easy-going souls. Armed with this knowledge, your next visit to the grocery store should be a much more pleasant and efficient experience. Can I get an “amen” from all of you Type B’s out there?

Speaking of Type B’s, I know that I may not be one to talk, but you all need to scoop that Godzilla sized dump out of your pants when you are shopping the malls. Some of us have places to be, items to see, and are a little short on the parking meter fee. Have you noticed these people standing in the aisles staring into the shops as if they were at the zoo watching three spider monkeys named Larry, Curly, and Moe splat feces on each other’s heads? Hello! Get out of the way… Please! Can I get an “amen” from all of you Type A’s out there? Okay, I don’t really feel that way, but now that I have given you Type A’s the last word. Quit your bitchin’!

10 Ultimate Excuses for Calling in Sick...

SUMMARY: Need a few lazy days away from the office? We are only born with so many living Uncles and Grandmas to kill off on a weekly basis, so we sometimes have to be a little more creative.

We all need an occasional day off, and with today’s stressful and hectic schedules it has become more of a necessity than a pleasure. Bosses on the other hand are getting more street savvy these days and are harder to fool. I spent a few hours yesterday looking up blogs and articles for excuses to miss work, and I quite frankly wouldn’t believe a one of them. So in response to your urgent requests for more lazy days away from the office, I have created an ultimate list. There are only so many times our Uncles and Grandmas can die; therefore we must have a generous amount of fillers in between, such as drunken nights out and toilet paper outages. So without further a due, I introduce to you my 10 ultimate excuses for missing work.

10) Please help me; I am at the gas station and I need a raise to make it the rest of the way to work.

9) During auditions for American Idol, my microphone was unexplainably implanted in Simon’s A$$. After I get back from the hospital, I may have to drop by the police station for a few questions.

8) I knew you had either said, “Be on time tomorrow” or “Be on the train in time to take the rest of the week off with a time and a half paid vacation”… oops!

7) I cannot make it in today; my girlfriend’s just gone into labor. If my wife calls tell her I’m sick.

6) I was challenged to a three-legged race to the doctor to remove a foot from my ass… and I lost.

5) I’m a bachelor, have no toilet paper, and ate Mexican buffet last night… need I say more.

4) I was borrowing my brothers SUV down in Mexico, when I realized I didn’t have a brother. Looks like I may be tied up with their local police for a while.

3) I received a letter from the government yesterday apologizing for my death. I probably need to take a few days off to sort some things out…

2) Remember last week I missed a few days of work when my Grandmother died. Well, last night she came back to life during final post-mortem, and we have decided to throw her another wake, since she missed out on the first one.

1) I’m drunk, I’ve fallin’; and I can’t get up!

And there you have it. Just remember to mix them up here and there to keep em’ guessing. THE END

10 People I am not "particularly fond of"

10 People I Dislike
…and So Should You

Summary: It looks like it is about time for my annual 10 people I dislike and so should you fund raiser. If we earn enough; we are going to fly each of these individuals on a one-way all expenses paid trip over top the Bermuda Triangle, where their asses will be personally booted out by your truly!

1. Tom Cruise & Scientology: Dude, you just irritate the crap out of me! I mean, I can’t even explain it. In fact, it has come to the point to where I am really not sure if it was scientology that I hated first, or the fact that you like it that made me hate it so much. Anyway, keep up your great work; you will screw Scientology over faster than anyone else could ever hope. And believe you me; there is a lot of hope out there!
2. Richard Simmons: Damn man, you are annoying; and those shorts you wear really need to be outlawed. The question came up to me the other day as to who I would rather be trapped with on a disserted island; you or Tom Cruise? I picked you; but only because I knew those outfits you wear would make great signals to the planes above; not to mention your fat ass would make a great floatation device in the event of an emergency.
3. Tori Spelling: Hey Tori, I understand that you are the brunt of several rather botched boob jobs here lately; but I have a rather interesting idea for you. Why don’t you have those boobs transplanted to your head? I mean, with all your emphasis you have been placing on them, you might as well use them to your best advantage. At least then you’ll be able to say that the men you meet are most interested with what is in (or I should rather say ‘on’) your head, and not within your blouse.
4. Lindsay Lohan: You fake boobed freckle-faced... Um yah… I think that just about sums it all up; as you really do not have enough personality to dignify much more than that.
5. Kevin Federline: You are a no-talent ass-clown my friend! And as I am sure that everybody is but hanging on the edges of their seats for your next album; I am forced to recall a recent comment by you to the fact that from here on out you will dropping nothing but hits. I was later quite relieved to find that you were only referring to the new toilet bowl battleship game that you had been playing with yourself on the weekends; it’s funny how things can be grossly misinterpreted.
6. Jessica Simpson: I must confess that I do not believe there to be a more stupid blonde upon the face of this earth than you. Like, why don’t you go play with that shiny new nickel by the outlet over there? I know what Nick told you about that… and it’s true. It won’t hurt you one bit!
7. Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey dude; quit spreading all the rumors about you dating models; everybody knows that you never get any. Hell, everybody knows that you have an even smaller manhood than that of Enrique Iglesias. But most of all, everybody knows that if you were to go to jail for a day; you would not poop right for a month, and you probably would like it!
8. Brad Pitt: Okay, while you just might thus appear to be a heck of a lot cooler than Leo at first glance; you are nothing but the steroid engorged upgrade. If you were to be in the next Austin Powers movie (which just might be a possibility with the way your career appears to be headed); you would play Dr. Evil, and Leo (Yes, your career is already down the crapper) would be your Mini-Me. The only difference is it wouldn’t be a cat you were stroking on your lap; not if Leo had anything to say about it.
9. Michael Jackson: Haven’t we deported you for good by now! What the hell are we waiting for; the next opening of a freak farm to place you in? Get the heck out of here Michael before somebody catches wind that you are not as crazy as you would like everybody to think you are. Not crazy… just a plain, flat, simple a-hole.
10. Paris Hilton: She tops the list at number 10, as I would not want to give her anymore acknowledgment than being at the bottom of my already bottomed out list. I would say that puts her about as deep into the toilet as she truly deserves to be. And since I am just as tired of the rest of you of hearing about her, I am going to leave this one here as it stands… end of story!

The Department of Motor Vehicles

Okay… on the subject of customer service, I must bring up the most ultimate customer service disgrace known to man or woman… the Department of Motor Vehicles. Is there a record of any human being who has made it out of one of these without posttraumatic anger syndrome followed by a severe case of bedsores on their rear end?

Please let me know if there has been, as I cannot seem to get out of one of these in less than an hour even if I am just stopping by for a conjugal visit to a license-renew convicted girlfriend. Here is a tip: Always bring a friend with you, so that you can remember to turn each other over every few hours to keep the severest of symptoms to a minimum. This will tell you who your real friends are; I guarantee it.

I have never understood how such a simple procedure, like making a plastic ID, could be made any more complicated. Punch them in, punch them out; you should be in and out of there in 10 minutes tops. They act as if the privilege of driving a motor vehicle is sacred.

Sacred my bedsore ass; have you ever looked beside you while waiting for a traffic light at the misfits who are allowed on the road with a license? All you need is half a good eye, one flexible finger, a wooden peg leg, and a smiley stamp discharge from the Looney Bin as minimum requirements. Well, at least that is what my fourth grade bus driver used to tell me…