Type B personalities vs. The Type A's

Have you ever wanted to take a Louisville Slugger to one of those self-checkouts at the grocery store? If you answered yes, then you are certainly not alone. What is the purpose for these contraptions? Is it a ploy to save money on cashier wages? Is it to teach us the fine art of item scanning? Maybe it is simply just a way to speed up the whole checkout process...

The problem with its whole idea is that there is nobody who really knows how to work these things, including the stores clerks themselves. And even if you did figure out the basics, no matter how carefully you place every item in the bag, the computer can never read the weight properly and freezes up with every item or two. Then you have to wait five minutes for a confused clerk to clear the situation and get you scanning and bagging again. This whole scenario repeats itself over and over and over, until you either pass out from hypertension or actually get that last item okayed and in the bag.

Okay, I am now going to let you all in on a little known secret.

The self-checkout is actually designed purely for the Type A personality. If you are a Type B, then do not even bother with these. They are not designed for you, and they will most certainly not save time. Let me explain the logic behind this nifty yet often misunderstood check system.

You know those type A’s that tailgate and practically run you down on the highway, until they get just a few inches of room to cut you off; only to end up stuck in front of you in the traffic jam instead of behind you. Well these are just the individuals that the self-check out was designed for. As long as you keep these people busy with things and believing that they are in charge of everything, they can be a tolerable part of our society.

In other words it is basically a tolerability check system designed to keep these aggressive, rude, busybodies bitching at a machine rather than the rest of us easy-going souls. Armed with this knowledge, your next visit to the grocery store should be a much more pleasant and efficient experience. Can I get an “amen” from all of you Type B’s out there?

Speaking of Type B’s, I know that I may not be one to talk, but you all need to scoop that Godzilla sized dump out of your pants when you are shopping the malls. Some of us have places to be, items to see, and are a little short on the parking meter fee. Have you noticed these people standing in the aisles staring into the shops as if they were at the zoo watching three spider monkeys named Larry, Curly, and Moe splat feces on each other’s heads? Hello! Get out of the way… Please! Can I get an “amen” from all of you Type A’s out there? Okay, I don’t really feel that way, but now that I have given you Type A’s the last word. Quit your bitchin’!

10 Ultimate Excuses for Calling in Sick...

SUMMARY: Need a few lazy days away from the office? We are only born with so many living Uncles and Grandmas to kill off on a weekly basis, so we sometimes have to be a little more creative.

We all need an occasional day off, and with today’s stressful and hectic schedules it has become more of a necessity than a pleasure. Bosses on the other hand are getting more street savvy these days and are harder to fool. I spent a few hours yesterday looking up blogs and articles for excuses to miss work, and I quite frankly wouldn’t believe a one of them. So in response to your urgent requests for more lazy days away from the office, I have created an ultimate list. There are only so many times our Uncles and Grandmas can die; therefore we must have a generous amount of fillers in between, such as drunken nights out and toilet paper outages. So without further a due, I introduce to you my 10 ultimate excuses for missing work.

10) Please help me; I am at the gas station and I need a raise to make it the rest of the way to work.

9) During auditions for American Idol, my microphone was unexplainably implanted in Simon’s A$$. After I get back from the hospital, I may have to drop by the police station for a few questions.

8) I knew you had either said, “Be on time tomorrow” or “Be on the train in time to take the rest of the week off with a time and a half paid vacation”… oops!

7) I cannot make it in today; my girlfriend’s just gone into labor. If my wife calls tell her I’m sick.

6) I was challenged to a three-legged race to the doctor to remove a foot from my ass… and I lost.

5) I’m a bachelor, have no toilet paper, and ate Mexican buffet last night… need I say more.

4) I was borrowing my brothers SUV down in Mexico, when I realized I didn’t have a brother. Looks like I may be tied up with their local police for a while.

3) I received a letter from the government yesterday apologizing for my death. I probably need to take a few days off to sort some things out…

2) Remember last week I missed a few days of work when my Grandmother died. Well, last night she came back to life during final post-mortem, and we have decided to throw her another wake, since she missed out on the first one.

1) I’m drunk, I’ve fallin’; and I can’t get up!

And there you have it. Just remember to mix them up here and there to keep em’ guessing. THE END