The Redneck I.Q. Test

The Search for Redneck Roots…
Intro: Are you stupid or just super incredibly stupid? Let my Quiz make the final judgment…

1) If you are shooting a BB gun, and the trigger appears to be jammed you should…

• a) Put gun on safety, take a skinny blunt object and ram into barrel several times
  b) Go out and buy another one
  c) Grip the handle tightly and turn barrel towards the direction of your eye, squeeze trigger, and watch to see if BB emerges
  d) Point barrel towards a friends eye, pull trigger, ask them to watch to see if BB emerges

2) You are standing in the shower with soaking hair and no towel, should you…?

• a) Heat the water up until you are good and hot, step carefully out, and stand there waiting for yourself to dry
  b) Jump out and run around as fast as you can until you are dry
  c) Grab the nearest blow-dryer; plug into your extension cord you run besides the tub and proceed to dry and warm yourself
  d) Turn off the water first before grabbing the nearest blow-dryer…

3) You have just purchased a new entertainment center for your TV; what is the first thing that you should do?

• a) Look to see if you have all the necessary tools
  b) Open the box and look over the instruction manual
  c) Set entertainment center box near the TV, then place TV on the box
  d) Start matching up parts and putting it together as you see fit

4) If you are in the process of a job interview and the interviewer sneezes, should you…?

• a) Stop momentarily to see if they have another one in them, and say “Excuse you”
  b) Reply with, “Bless you”
  c) Ask, “You gonna eat that?”
  d) Blurt, “I already had my shower for the week”

5) If your car breaks down in the middle of a highway, should you…?

• a) Push car off to side, prop hood open and pretend you’re fixing stuff
  b) Sit inside vehicle and look busy, until someone stops to help
  c) Jump out of the car door, flailing your arms for someone to help
  d) Check for traffic first before jumping out…

6) A tornado is said to be on its way toward your (trailer) home; the first thing you should do is…

• a) Open front door and stand in the entranceway; as that is one of the strongest points of a home
  b) Grab a box of Twinkies and leap into the first available bath tub
  c) Grab the video camera and get up on your roof for better viewing
  d) Get in your vehicle and start looking for it

7) You are shooting off fireworks in a brittle, bone dry forest…

• a) Holler, “fire in the hole” each time you strike the match
  b) Keep a fire extinguisher nearby
  c) Shoot them off in your hand to minimize contact with your surroundings
  d) Keep your car running for a quick getaway

8) Your mate has just broken up with you…

• a) Breakdown, fall apart, and gain 10 pounds
  b) Go out and buy lots of useless, expensive crap
  c) Spend more time singing Willie Nelson tunes
  d) Log onto Yahoo! Personals and get yourself a new mate

9) Is it better to…?

• a) Eat chocolate covered ants
  b) Make fart noises with your underarm pits
  c) Cook your pet for dinner
  d) Bathe no more than once a week

10) You are dining in an elegant restaurant and you are missing your desert spoon…

• a) Decline desert, and have some later
  b) Replace the missing utensil with your coffee spoon; nobody will know
  c) Use your finger that’s been least in your nose that day
  d) Ask the McDonald’s cashier to bring out more spoons

Score System:
a) = 3 points
b) = 4 points
c) = 1 points
d) = 2 point

Score of:

35-40 points: You probably took this test simply out of the goodness of your heart; to see how you could best volunteer your efforts and help the brain impaired rednecks in your area. Don’t bother; they were lovingly put onto this earth by our creator as the bear bait during weekend Cub Scout Jamboree’s. Remember; we all have our purpose in life; some of us are more teachers, while others are more like appetizers.

29-34 points: Your redneck roots are still there, but go a long way back. You definitely would rather date a human being than a goat, and your idea of good healthy cuisine goes far beyond road-kill skunk and grits. You have both eyes and all of your fingers and toes, but best of all you have a darn good chance of keeping them throughout the rest of your life.

22-28 points: You probably have a few cousins that live in a trailer park and burp the Pledge of Allegiance, have potato gun wars, and keep a set of matches by the toilet for fart exploding purposes. You yourself do not partake in any of these actions, but have tried lighting a fart or two but failed because you never realized that you need to have someone else hold the match.

16-21 points: You understand all, ‘you might be a redneck if’ jokes; and find a few of them quite close to home. Your idea of cleaning is not vacuuming and dusting, but scraping stuff off of the walls and hosing down the carpets. If you had the choice of either watching fishing or NASCAR on a television set, you would choose to buy another television and watch both.

10-15 points: You are 100% crap for brains redneck… You have been divorced from each of your cousins at least once, and have had a romantic encounter with either a pumpkin or squash while you were drunk. You haven’t the slightest idea how to keep the brown stains out of your underwear, but at the same time you’re kind of proud of them.

What is your politician I.Q.???

Politically Correct; Incorrectness

Intro: It doesn’t matter if you are a Democrat or a Republic; if you’re stupid, you’re stupid, and you should probably not be allowed to procreate, much less vote. Let this Quiz make the final judgment…


1) If a president is involved in several sexual affairs…

a) A firm yet emotionally tender slap on the wrists; then let them continue on with the Presidency
b) I might begin to wonder about their character and values and how these could affect their ability to make good decisions
c) They are by all accounts still a highly qualified person that I would undoubtedly trust with my countries affairs
d) If the persons allegedly involved were hot, then that President would still be alright in my book


2) If a man is found dead outside of the Whitehouse property…

a) Let the News run with it; they ought to be able to stir up a few truths with the untruths
b) Realize there might be some pretty screwed up things going down and open a full investigation of the situation
c) Sweep it, or I should rather say him; under the carpet and continue on with more important affairs
d) Blame it on one of the Kennedy’s, put their ass behind bars, continue with business as usual


3) If you read into everything the President and Congress say as word for word the God’s honest truth you are…

a) A very rare and optimistic soul that still believes in the values this country was founded on
b) One stupid, naïve SOB that probably also still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
c) The only one who probably knows what is going on around here for real
d) A politician who has lost all realization of what the truth actually is anymore


4) If you have smoked marijuana in public within your lifetime and you desire to run for office…

a) Man, this is 2006; hand it out at your next pep rally
b) Come clean and admit just enough truth to still get the sympathetic vote
c) Question the existence of inhaling; if nobody could actually see the smoke in your lungs, was it actually ever there
d) Deny all accountability; saying you got it from a Kennedy and they were the one who actually inhaled


5) On your way through a crowd during an election year it is best to kiss…

a) Your rear-end goodbye; unless your wearing a bullet proof vest
b) Lots of baby’s and old people
c) Every beautiful person that will make you look good in a picture
d) Butt… and plenty of it


6) A major catastrophe is destroying thousands of homes and you are in the first year of your last term of Presidency

a) Make an appearance and do the best you can to look good with the least amount of effort
b) Admit you could have been better prepared; but your head has been in your butt for the past four years
c) Screw em’, the popular vote makes no difference now
d) Blame it all on a Kennedy


7) You are the aid to a government official and they have requested your personal company for the evening…

a) Keep your car running for a quick getaway
b) Look for any signs of cigars before stepping through the door
c) BYOC (Bring Your Own Condoms)
d) If it involves dragging a dead guy somewhere… count you in


8) You are invited on a Whitehouse hunting trip…

a) If you have donated less than $5,000 to the campaign overall; do not hide in the bush
b) Let the lawyers walk in front at all times
c) Stick closest to the guys with the biggest guns
d) Bring your will; getting shot just goes with the turf


9) As an elected official is it better to openly…

a) Raise your arms even if you aren’t wearing deodorant
b) Raise taxes
c) Raise hell
d) Give yourself a (pay) raise


10) You are behind on the polls with only three months until election…

a) Become a regular on Saturday Night Live
b) Take the stage on MTV and kick it with Puff Daddy
c) Sleep with a sexy movie star to boost your popularity
d) Sweep any previously sexually harassed individuals from your past firmly under the carpet



Score System:
a) = 3 points
b) = 4 points
c) = 1 points
d) = 2 point



Score of:

35-40 points: Get down… get down! Whew, that was close. If the government ever gets wind of you, you would disappear quicker than a Tootsie Roll squished into the carpet of a Jenny Craig Reunion; so it would be in your best interest to keep this quiz between just you and me. Just wait for my signal, and when the time comes we shall form a new branch of office under the leadership of Clint Eastwood and Dr. Ruth.

29-34 points: You are actually not so stupid; which means that you might actually make one heck of a great elected official; but you have one gigantic downfall. You tell the truth. It is however sad to say that it is for the best that you would never get anywhere, as you would most likely end up some dead schlep being dragged away by a sexually harassed, disgruntled office aid.

22-28 points: You hold the middle road between honest integrity, and low down cheap parlor tricks. Your career would albeit span a shorter course than most, as you are still honest enough to have pot shots taken at you on a regular basis. On the plus side, you do however have enough distrust in your fellow man to ride the local parades with your convertible top up, and Dick Cheney riding shotgun (pun intended).

16-21 points: You understand the true meaning of being a politician. I would definitely not trust you with any member of the opposite sex over the age of 3. You have had your share of dragging dead guys around over your lifetime, but fortunately to your relief, they just seem to be getting lighter and lighter.

10-15 points: You are primarily in this for the sex. You are probably a failed actor or wrestling star, and are running out of cheap ways to feel up members of the opposite sex. If ever there was to be a dead schlep dragged out of the office and propped up just outside the Whitehouse properties; you should be the one.