Open Letter: Dear Mr. Tom Cruise,

Dear Mr. Cruise,

I really must apologize ahead of time for my bluntness, but I just finishing up writing to a few other Hollywood butt holes and quite frankly am a little pissed off today! So now that pre-apologies are out of the way, let’s get down to business…

Okay, let me see here…

I have been doing my studies on your philosophies of the world and how we all should live our lives; and I wanted to make sure that I have them all figured out correctly. So as soon as you get your head out of your ass, I would appreciate a note back confirming my understandings:

· Scientology good… Ridlin bad.
· Scientology good; anti-depressant bad… very bad…
· Scientology good!
· Narconon good… Scientology good.
· Brooke Shields use anti-depressant, Brooke bad… Brooke bitch…
· Brooke not Scientologist… but scientology still good!
· Tom Cruise Scientologist… Tom Cruise no use Ridlin, Tom Cruise no use anti-depressant, although need to!
· Tom Cruise good…
· Brooke Shields still bitch!
· Tom, old… Katie Holmes, young…
· Katie believe Tom; she no bitch…
· But… Brooke, definitely still bitch…

So, I guess it all comes down to whom we should all believe, the vast medical society… or You and Scientology, if we all should ever become ill?

Well, I know scientology too… Tom.

As a mater of fact, I knew you in one of my past life’s on planet Dumfukgot Chitferbrains. I was that sexy blonde robot that rolled you over with my steamroller on that of the 978th moon rotation; remember me? Then while singing future Mel Torme hit tunes, I got out of my steamroller and molded you into a giant intergalactic crap pile and force-fed you to all the sexy brunette robots on the planet. Then when they were bloated and full, we all sat around a giant glowing bottle of Thorazin and told ghost stories to each other.

We told stories about self-important butt holes on distant planets, trying to use their career status to influence others. We discussed the logic behind an old toilet plunger sitting over top a young beautiful daisy; suffocating it to death with its stale air and a rotten stench. Then we would eventually all laugh ourselves to sleep. As the brunette robots drifted away into dreamland, they began to fart. The gas accumulated around the Thorazin bottle, until the cap popped off, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar jumped out with an automatic pulse-firing laser rifle and shot one round; which engulfed the entire planet into flames, killing everything on it…

When I awoke we were both here on planet earth. I was now a brunette male without a steamroller, Arnold Schwarzenegger was now the Governor of California, but you were still a piece of crap. I guess maybe the next lifetime you might get to be something new… we can all hope anyways…


Sincerely, Eric

9 Cars I HATE... and so Should You

It was sure tough this year putting together my list of top nine cars I hate for 2006; NOT! Okay, so it was actually quite simple; there is a fair amount of crap out on the market this year, a fair amount that you as a smart consumer just might want to avoid:

1. Hyundai Accent: The equivalent to food stamp purchased moldy bread; this car sucks. There ought to be a law against such cheap manufacturing. Imagine yourself cruising over the open road in a steel framed 2500 LB shoebox with just barely over 100 horsepower. Sound exhilarating? You would be better off with a reasonably priced older model Toyota Camry. Yah, I know it wouldn’t be a new car; but it would at least not be a complete piece of crap either.
   
2. Toyota Echo: Ah, I heard that this is going to be the last year for production of these beauties. What a damn shame; with all its crappy handling, Pokemon inspired styling, a steering wheel, and a few paint choices, this car is going to really be missed. On the plus side, those of you who would have bought more of these over the years; will at least not get the hell beat out of you by your neighbor’s, like grade school bullies. Take heart though; there will still be plenty of crap out there for you to choose from, such as the….
   
3. Chevrolet Cavalier: This baby really hauls ass! Not to mention, I see these all the time with true car enthusiasts perched at the wheel, licking their lips with ecstatic impatience for the light to turn green. Okay, now for the truth. If you like to look stupid, go really, really slow and still get bad gas mileage, destroy your lower back, and stare at nothing put unimaginative cheap plastics everywhere you drive, you are in for a real treat with the 2006 Cavalier. I guess you can always put a giant race wing on the back and strap an extra loud fart can muffler on the rear… but you’ll still be lame!
   
4. Kia Rio: “The all new, updated, wider, more aggressive stance (can you really even use the words aggressive and Kia in the same sentence), longer wheel base, best-in-class (best in the lowest class they have). An all new 1.6 liter 4 cylinder engine that has been boosted up to 110 horsepower (if this is their boosted engine, I would sure hate to see the other one).” Okay, so maybe the base price is around $11,000, but the average purchased price is more like $22,000. Makes you wonder what all you must be missing on that base model. Does the base even have an engine at all, or just Flintstone cutouts?
   
5. Ford Taurus: Once a piece of crap, always a piece of crap I say. Well okay, maybe in the days of the SHO (Super High Output) version they weren’t so bad; at least performance wise. But today, with engines that can barely keep up with most of the economy four bangers; one really has to wonder what in the hell these cars are still doing out on the road. Sorry Ford, the trunk lid spoiler, new wheels, and fake plastic wood interior accents just didn’t do their job of hiding the car from me. Just as the saying goes: You can’t put diamonds on a turd; well I guess you can, but it is still going to be just a turd.
   
6. Scion XB: This poor contraption has been beaten by the ugly stick over and over and over and over; then again, again, again, and again, then just a few more hundred times to make sure that there wasn’t an ounce of coolness left in it. Add $15,000 and 100 horsepower and you’ve got yourself one world class loser on your hands.
   
7. Honda Insight: I just want to pick one of these up, and start pushing it around on a 1970’s orange and green shag carpet. This would not of course be one of my favorite cars I kept in my Hot Wheels patented storage box; but more like one of those I kept to throw around on the cement, and get beat by all my other cars. And guess what? Not much has changed! If you are looking for something to throw around on the asphalt and get beat by all the other cars; your day has just been made! I’ll give it a few bonus points for saving the world; which is exactly the only reason it is on my list at number seven.
   
8. Smart Car: Okay people; if you for some reason have the desire to sit in a refrigerator box with wheels, and be rolled around for a few blocks until your ultimate demise by a modern SUV that will probably have no idea they pummeled you, until they get home and have to scrap you off the windshield with the bugs; I say get help… quick! Your life is worth more than that.
   
9. Hummer: Now what self important asshole out there needs to have the most gigantic vehicle that you could possibly fit between the yellow and white lines of the roadway? I think we should sell these things strictly in LA; that way we can keep most of the Hollywood assholes confined to just one place. You see, creative thinking folks; two birds with one stone!
   

Well there you have it; my top nine list of cars I most hate. And not just because I think they are cheap, dorky, slow, or ridiculous; but because they were manufactured cheap, dorky, slow, and ridiculous. Just look over the consumer reports for these; and I’m talking about the real consumer reports. Not their manufacturing websites that makes them sound like God’s gift to the automotive world; but the car review sites that makes them sound more like abominations to the intelligence of the daily driver. Drive safely and intelligently, and keep both eyes on the road; that way you don’t have to see all the other shit mobiles driving around along side of you! THE END

20 Weirdest Places People have had Sex…

We all have our strangest places that we have had sex, but what about that average person? Do you think they are perhaps a little more risqué than we think? Well there is only one place to find this information without either getting arrested, or beat to death by a group of old ladies with purses; the Internet! So where do you all get busy when the moon is out?

Let’s find out:

1. ‘In a motel 9…’ (Duh… I said strangest; not lamest!)
   
2. 'In the middle of the street.’ (I think it might actually be safer driving.)
   
3. ‘In a wheel barrel…’ (Talk about trimming two bushes with one stone.)
   
4. ‘Would you could you in a boat? Would you could you with a goat?’ (Get the hell off here Dr. Seus; you didn’t even answer the damn question correctly!)
   
5. ’In a tree.’ (Ouch! Can you say bark?)
   
6. ‘At the bar; waiting to be seated for dinner.’ (Now that’s one way to make the time go by faster.)
   
7. ‘On the beach.’ (Who hasn’t; at least in our dreams.)
   
8. ‘On the third floor of my ex-girlfriends sisters’ apartment hallway at 4:30 in the morning… during a nine person orgy after the closing of the twelfth annual Lesbian/Gay Student Association Convention.’ (Got that one down in the memory banks, don’t we?)
   
9. ‘On the 50th yard line at my high school. There wasn’t a game or anything. (Yah, I think that maybe would have caused an interference.)
   
10. ‘In my bed; while it was on fire…’ (Stop, Drop, and F#$%...)
    
11. ‘… Antarctica?’ (No baby; I didn’t say the coldest.)
    
12. ‘In the backseat of my motorcycle.’ (I didn’t know there was such a thing?)
    
13. ‘The Public Washroom of McDonalds.’ (Yes, and I’d like a vanilla milkshake with that Big Mac please.)
    
14. ‘On the roof top of my Grandmothers apartment building.’ (Where was Granny; wait, maybe I don’t want to know?)
    
15. ‘During the ride, it’s a small world, at Disney Land. I could go on with a few others, but I’m really not that much of an exhibitionist.’ (Umm yah, okay?)
    
16. ‘On my Boss’s desk.’ (Up for promotion?)
    
17. ‘What I came to find out was a prostitute; sat beside me on a bench. She stroked me… When I came, I remember being afraid she was going to charge me for it, so I pretended nothing happened.’ (You mean she didn’t know?)
    
18. ‘I try to have sex everywhere I go. You name it, I’ve probably done it there…’ (What are you doing for lunch?)
    
19. ‘In the butt (Wink, wink)…’ (Popular answer these days!)
    
20. ‘In the White House…’ (Yah, yah… who hasn’t…)
    

Thank you all, for the continued support of our Internet spy video websites. Without you; hundreds of budding children would be rather normal, boring, respectable citizens. The hell with respectable; we love Pee Wee Herman! THE END

Did Somebody Say... SEX!

Free Rent for Sex
The 10 best Advertisements I’ve seen on the Net:

1. San Francisco: “I usually rent the room for $600, but if you are really ticklish and willing to trade being tickled for the extra rent then we have a deal.” (Tickle-Me-Elmo, this one’s got your name all over it!)
   
2. Denver: “This is not how it sounds; but I am looking for sex to rent out my upstairs apartment.” (I think this is exactly how it sounds.)
   
3. New York: “Take care of my needs at my every whim, and live rent free… Interested?” (Now that’s not too much to ask for, is it?)
   
4. San Francisco: “Seeking female that likes to be nude… nothing more expected.” (And I should believe this… because?)
   
5. Washington: “Sex and a little light office duty; desire for cigars is a must. Perfect for that girl who is skilled and willing.” (Clinton? Is that you?)
   
6. Florida: “Upscale executive seeks beautiful female 18-24 to live in his luxury condo in Coral Gables for $1/month in exchange for some light duties. Help take care of dog, cook occasionally, plus have sex with me 2 times a week." (You had her till the $1 a month thing; now your just another typical cheap @$$.)
   
7. Florida: "FREE RENT FOR A PARTY GIRL!!!!!!! If you like to party and don't want to pay rent, well then send a pic and some info about yourself. If I like what I see, I'll email you more." (Actually send us your pic, and if we don’t puke, then maybe we’ll see.)
   
8. Denver: “Two woman playing naked Twister; a bottle of wine, and free rent… What do you say?” (I say give me your address; and I’ll be right up.)
   
9. New York City: “Very large comfortable apartment on a high floor with great views. I'm a male 35 years old looking for a female 21-35 who will occasionally not wear clothes when I ask in exchange for free rent and her own private room. No sex whatsoever. The apartment is private, clean, quiet, elevator, sunny, safe, etc.” (What a great deal! Private and safe; you’ll just have to ignore the creepy weird guy in the corner staring at you all the time.)
   
10. Atlanta: “Got sex? I got room and board. Call me…” (Simple, blunt; to the point. I like it!)

The New Paris Hilton,

Well, well, Paris; it would seem that after many years of wild parties, sex escapades, and neglect of integrity; there are now rumors as to what is about to become a New Paris Hilton unveiled to the public. It seems that your current manager has been aware of your increase in negative popularity with that of your fan base, and has been working on a secret strategy to pull you out of the trenches, and back upon your porcelain thrown from which you climbed out of. I wish you would let us know as to when these changes are to be taken place; I am very curious. Your current Manager, Jacques Baudrillard, was recently quoted with a bold prediction as to the outcome of this plan.

“We feel confident that once people see this new Paris Hilton they will say, ‘Paris Hilton, now I could have a good time in that.”

Most surprising to me, was the extent to your deterioration that I had heard rumors of, but quite honestly would not have believed; if I hadn’t heard these quotes from Jacques himself.

“The old Paris Hilton had faded and people were being driven away by her in droves by the sight and smell of her.”

Also mentioned were,

“…multiple internal issues… leakages… and the entrances, both front and rear, being ill-suited for the amount of people coming and going.”

I am especially curious to see the enhancements that were specifically mentioned, although not described to the detail that I am sure I will soon see in any upcoming photo and video scandals you have in the works. I am speaking specifically to the newly enhanced exterior and the larger rear entranceway that is boasted to withstand the impact of heavy delivery. As a side note, the bush located within the front entrance has also been noted to have been decoratively trimmed, although the last I had seen that old trick had already been attempted, and failed.

I do wish you luck in keeping the determination and stamina to complete the overall transformation, as I know you still have a ways to go, as was quoted by Jacques.

“Paris Hilton is far from complete. So far we have only tackled her exterior and internal problematic areas. The next phase will be to add some sophistication and class to the old girl.”

Alls I can say to you Paris is good luck on that one; you’re going to need it!

P.S. I have already booked a reservation with you, and look very much forward to being one of the first ones to stick my foot into that new rear entranceway!