9 Cars I HATE... and so Should You

It was sure tough this year putting together my list of top nine cars I hate for 2006; NOT! Okay, so it was actually quite simple; there is a fair amount of crap out on the market this year, a fair amount that you as a smart consumer just might want to avoid:

1. Hyundai Accent: The equivalent to food stamp purchased moldy bread; this car sucks. There ought to be a law against such cheap manufacturing. Imagine yourself cruising over the open road in a steel framed 2500 LB shoebox with just barely over 100 horsepower. Sound exhilarating? You would be better off with a reasonably priced older model Toyota Camry. Yah, I know it wouldn’t be a new car; but it would at least not be a complete piece of crap either.
   
2. Toyota Echo: Ah, I heard that this is going to be the last year for production of these beauties. What a damn shame; with all its crappy handling, Pokemon inspired styling, a steering wheel, and a few paint choices, this car is going to really be missed. On the plus side, those of you who would have bought more of these over the years; will at least not get the hell beat out of you by your neighbor’s, like grade school bullies. Take heart though; there will still be plenty of crap out there for you to choose from, such as the….
   
3. Chevrolet Cavalier: This baby really hauls ass! Not to mention, I see these all the time with true car enthusiasts perched at the wheel, licking their lips with ecstatic impatience for the light to turn green. Okay, now for the truth. If you like to look stupid, go really, really slow and still get bad gas mileage, destroy your lower back, and stare at nothing put unimaginative cheap plastics everywhere you drive, you are in for a real treat with the 2006 Cavalier. I guess you can always put a giant race wing on the back and strap an extra loud fart can muffler on the rear… but you’ll still be lame!
   
4. Kia Rio: “The all new, updated, wider, more aggressive stance (can you really even use the words aggressive and Kia in the same sentence), longer wheel base, best-in-class (best in the lowest class they have). An all new 1.6 liter 4 cylinder engine that has been boosted up to 110 horsepower (if this is their boosted engine, I would sure hate to see the other one).” Okay, so maybe the base price is around $11,000, but the average purchased price is more like $22,000. Makes you wonder what all you must be missing on that base model. Does the base even have an engine at all, or just Flintstone cutouts?
   
5. Ford Taurus: Once a piece of crap, always a piece of crap I say. Well okay, maybe in the days of the SHO (Super High Output) version they weren’t so bad; at least performance wise. But today, with engines that can barely keep up with most of the economy four bangers; one really has to wonder what in the hell these cars are still doing out on the road. Sorry Ford, the trunk lid spoiler, new wheels, and fake plastic wood interior accents just didn’t do their job of hiding the car from me. Just as the saying goes: You can’t put diamonds on a turd; well I guess you can, but it is still going to be just a turd.
   
6. Scion XB: This poor contraption has been beaten by the ugly stick over and over and over and over; then again, again, again, and again, then just a few more hundred times to make sure that there wasn’t an ounce of coolness left in it. Add $15,000 and 100 horsepower and you’ve got yourself one world class loser on your hands.
   
7. Honda Insight: I just want to pick one of these up, and start pushing it around on a 1970’s orange and green shag carpet. This would not of course be one of my favorite cars I kept in my Hot Wheels patented storage box; but more like one of those I kept to throw around on the cement, and get beat by all my other cars. And guess what? Not much has changed! If you are looking for something to throw around on the asphalt and get beat by all the other cars; your day has just been made! I’ll give it a few bonus points for saving the world; which is exactly the only reason it is on my list at number seven.
   
8. Smart Car: Okay people; if you for some reason have the desire to sit in a refrigerator box with wheels, and be rolled around for a few blocks until your ultimate demise by a modern SUV that will probably have no idea they pummeled you, until they get home and have to scrap you off the windshield with the bugs; I say get help… quick! Your life is worth more than that.
   
9. Hummer: Now what self important asshole out there needs to have the most gigantic vehicle that you could possibly fit between the yellow and white lines of the roadway? I think we should sell these things strictly in LA; that way we can keep most of the Hollywood assholes confined to just one place. You see, creative thinking folks; two birds with one stone!
   

Well there you have it; my top nine list of cars I most hate. And not just because I think they are cheap, dorky, slow, or ridiculous; but because they were manufactured cheap, dorky, slow, and ridiculous. Just look over the consumer reports for these; and I’m talking about the real consumer reports. Not their manufacturing websites that makes them sound like God’s gift to the automotive world; but the car review sites that makes them sound more like abominations to the intelligence of the daily driver. Drive safely and intelligently, and keep both eyes on the road; that way you don’t have to see all the other shit mobiles driving around along side of you! THE END